When I was pregnant with my second child, my partner and I had been dating for just over a year and I was still in the upheaval of my divorce. My ex was still very much reeking havoc in my life, our custody agreement had not been finalized and we were still technically business partners.
Although all I had ever wanted was a large family and a sibling for my daughter, I was not prepared for what this pregnancy would do to my mental health. After the initial thrill of sharing the news with my partner and the excitement of the thoughts of another baby, I quickly fell into a dark depression. Feelings of shame and embarrassment flooded my thoughts daily. I didn't feel safe going to work where my ex may discover my tiny growing bump so spent most days at home on the couch. For the most part alone.
While my partner's family was over joyed with the news, my family was not and they didn't hide well their disapproval and fears. With letting the families know came feelings of resentment, my partner was so happy, he was so supported while I felt alone, scared and judged. I began to take a step back and withdraw from what was a very supportive loving relationship.
My pregnancies tend to be laden with nausea so with the addition of typical pregnancy woes I found myself struggling to feel any joy at all as the weeks passed and the bump grew from a peach to a cantaloupe. In my darkest times I thought about ending the relationship or even the pregnancy. I felt like a failure who had not only ended up in a narricistic abusive marriage and custody battle but now had a baby on the way out of wedlock.
Mounting during this time was also the stress of being called as a witness for my ex's assault case. (I have shared this story in previous posts) I could not fathom being 6 months pregnant testifying in court against my ex who I was still very much fearful of. It was all too much and my mental health was plunging.
As I neared the end of the nine months, with a plan in place to escape (back to my home town) shortly after baby was to arrive (that's a story for another 'page'), I began to feel the tiniest light return. We call it 'hope'. My daughter and partner were so excited to meet our new family member, and I began to feel that with distance from my ex I could really and truly begin to start over. The court case was behind us, my ex had settled.
I started to see what could be.
I started not to be so consumed by what others thought...or what I believed others thought. And instead allowed the light in. I mean is there anything more magical than the arrival of a new life??
I also returned to the yoga mat, taking prenatal yoga, after years of being away from the practice I knew made me feel whole. It was a small piece of me that had been lost in my marriage that I was ready to reseed.
As we rehashed and dwelled over baby names at dinner and prepared the yellow and gray (gender neutral) nursery (in our current home and near future home!), I was reading a book and came across a page so simple yet so divine.
It read...
Part Two: Adelaide
And so it was.
"I wanna be defined by the things that I love
Not the things I hate
Not the things that I'm afraid of,
Not the things that haunt me in the middle of the night
You are what you love". ~ T. Swift, Daylight
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