My ex's claim to fame was performing as a beloved 1980's children's television character. The colourful icon appeared and disappeared to the surprise and delight of Canadian children everywhere daily on TV and on stage. Little did I know that this whimsical attribute would become our reality as Alex would live on his own schedule; appearing and disappearing our entire married life....and to this day my daughter's life.
Our daughter was born 5pm on Wednesday afternoon, my first child, a challenging delivery that would result in a challenging recovery. The following morning, after chiding that I had not delivered 'the right way' hence my recovery, he left to go golfing. His child's first official day in the world, he disappeared to be with friends...citing he needed to celebrate. Exit stage left.
It was from day one essentially that my daughter and I entered a partnership of our own, a bond unbreakable, part mother-daughter, part best friends...all soulmates. The continual disappearances and re-appearances of her dad would leave us both questioning just who was reliable and who would leave when they became bored, stressed, tired, angry....you fill in the blanks. It would leave us with a heightened sense of the need to please...keep them happy or they will leave, be interesting or they will get bored, be the perfect wife, daughter, friend...you fill in the blanks.
When someone you love and are trying to build a life with feels no tie to home or responsibility to their family, but instead chooses to stay when it suits them, home becomes a very lonely, desperate place. My daughter brought me the strength and love to thrive in those first three years of motherhood. She taught me to see again the good in life, her excitement over a ladybug or a rainbow reminded me that there was still a beautiful world to explore.
Over those years, I spent Christmas's, family BBQ's, date nights, the birth of my daughter not knowing if he would spin through that door in his jovial way...performance on. My daughter has sat through Father's Days, graduations, dance recitals, weekend visits and holidays not knowing if or when her father would appear...always peeking through the proverbial door. The latest (and last disappearance we would be forced to accept) came as recently as COVID....nine months of lost time wondering what she could have done to make him want to be a constant. The truth being there
has never been anything either of us could do. We are enough just as we are ...
What we lost with Alex, we gained with each other. I don't know a stronger bond of mother and daughter, even now as we navigate the teenage years. As we continue to grow, have good days and bad, explore boundaries and recognize what triggers today are connected to her childhood trauma; we are healing.
We are each other's rocks...because we stayed.
I've been picking up the pieces of the mess you made
People like you always want back the love they pushed aside
But people like me are gone forever when you say goodbye
~T Swift
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