People always ask, "but wasn't there red flags". And apart from this being blame shifting because it's too uncomfortable to sit in the reality that this could ever happen to THEM, of course there were! The problem with red flags is that we see them through the rear view mirror as in the moment we were whizzing by in a rush of emotional chaos....and 'love sweet love'.
The first flag on the play (in now 20 years of hindsight ) was the first time I brought Alex home to meet the family. My parents were celebrating their wedding anniversary, it was a golden year so we were throwing a big celebration in the backyard of my parent's house. Tents, cocktails, live music, friends and family ...the 'whole nine yards' (flag, football..get it?). The perfect time to bring him home as the spotlight would be elsewhere...we could float around in our new love.
The day went beautifully, as I usually do at parties I took a turn on the mic singing, the song escapes me now but probably a Shania rendition as my mom always requested these. Alex was charming as always and the visit went as smoothly as I could have hoped.
At the end of the evening, Alex and I drove back to Oakville and it was during the car ride after that beautiful day things went completely (and traumatically) sideways. What the rage that was unleashed on me in the car that night felt like was a man who had faked it all day and could no longer keep his true emotions at bay. Like a volcano of anger that had been suppressed by needing to be decent in public for too long. It was a fit of jealousy that I had the odacity to sing and be in the spotlight. It was the disgust that I must have been flirtatiously singing to other men at the party. I was completely blindsided, I couldn't understand what was happening, and I remember being terrified. If the term Jekyl and Hyde hasn't been used in this blog yet, we'll
I'm dropping it now.
So here is where the peanut gallery says...why didn't you leave an obvious burning red flag!
And here's the thing... first off, 'they' are cunning. In that moment we were driving down the 401 in the dark. Did I have thoughts of actually asking to be let of on the side of the highway? I sure did. Was that a better option? Probably not. He knew I had no out in the moment. My next best bet was calming him down, assuring him, stroking his ego...I just needed to get out of the situation safely. Once we were home emotions started to settle, and come the morning the apologies began, the sweet gestures returned and I began to make excuses for his behaviour (cause that feels a lot better than this man I just fell in love with & introduced to my entire family is actually a sociopath that could have killed us on the 401) .
So the dialogue in my heads instead sounds like...he must have been so stressed meeting everyone, it must have been hard to be around all those people he didn't know, I must have made him feel like that anything to make sense of what had happened and to squash down the huge knot in my stomach telling something isn't right.
What my mind should have been saying was "me being BIG, and loved, and supported, and happy and loud....me being full of life ME was too much for him. "
It was little him that could not handle the lack of control over big me when I had home field advantage. And there is the true flag on the play...if they want you to shrink so they can feel tall...you have to call the game. Ever single time.
"When did it end? All the enjoyment
I'm sad again, don't tell my boyfriend
It's not what he's made for
What was I made for?
I don't know how to feel
But someday I might" ~ B Eilish
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